To the woman who needs to be in Control
To the women who need to be in control, YES, I said it — You need to read this. Gina tells us her story and tells us how God is working in her life:
“Hello to all the beautiful women, both inside and out, who are part of this community! With all the crazy in the world today, it’s easy to lose sight of God and all He brings to the world.
I am a bit of a control freak, and I like things scripted and planned. I used to think that in order to be close to God I had to be a good Catholic, good mother, and good wife, in that order. That’s how faith was defined for me growing up. I went to Catholic schools my entire life including college, and to me, that was home, still is in many ways. I did everything I was supposed to. We were active in our parish, a happy family of four. I thought I was living the life I was supposed to for God and I was in control of my destiny. As I look back, I am not sure that I was truly having a relationship with God, rather I was checking the boxes. Even though it all looked good on paper, I now feel that sometimes, while I felt I was on track, I actually was not altogether in.
When life took an unplanned turn at age forty-one, I found myself lost, and sadly so was my presumed relationship with God. My marriage was broken and I avoided that by pouring myself into work and advancing my career. My family home was dysfunctional, my kids in a lot of pain, sadly the reality of our life no longer looked good on paper and we ended 18 years with a divorce. In retrospect, I needed God more than ever at that time, but I found myself estranged. I felt low and a failure. How could I have done this to my family, I took vows, why couldn’t I fix the problems? I lost confidence in myself and eventually, I pushed my church away. I assumed, having made these choices, that God was not going to be in the new life I had started. It was crushing. I cried about it a lot. So much loss. My dearest friends were so patient with me as I processed through that time. It was painful and I thought it was over for good.
But I was wrong.
About five years ago, I had another very stressful situation in my life and again found myself down and out, defeated with no one to turn to. I hadn’t thought of turning to God sadly. I don’t know why, but one day I was sort of daydreaming and melting in my sadness, and a memory of something my mom used to say to me when I was little popped into my head. She’d say, when you feel sad, “Offer it up, just let go, and let God. ” I didn’t really get it then, but I do now. It was so simple, such a reminder that we don’t really have control over anything in our lives. I always believed in God, but I really hadn’t believed in His power to heal. I replayed that phrase in my head many times and things started to calm, I started to calm. A month or so later, someone I adore showed me her new tattoo…it read “let go, and let God” It hit me like a brick! God was definitely talking to me! He was telling me to stop resisting, to take down my own wall, to let go and LET HIM. I figured out then and there that I was my own problem, not my church or my happily married friends who reminded me daily of my failure. It was then, that my need to look good on paper, and control everything in my life was fading.
Since that revelation, my relationship with God has evolved to a really good place. I no longer doubt that our connection is dependent on earthly matters, His power is all we need. I finally figured out that living my best life and not just talking about it allowed me to have what I feel is my first real relationship with God. It’s so calming and so reassuring to have this in my heart. To make this a daily reminder, I too now have a tattoo, and as a tribute to my mom, it is in Italian. Now I won’t ever forget… He is always there, you just have to let go, you just have to let GOD.
This is LONG, but honestly, it felt really good to write out for the first time! I don’t know many of you, but I want to say thank you for reading my thoughts, and thank you to Jordyne for being who you are and making this space possible.
Much love to all!”
Gina Wright
I, for one, needed to read this. How about you? Are you currently trying to check off boxes to look good on paper? Or are you learning to let go, and let God?
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Gina.
