The Gifts and Challenges of Multiple Daughters
If you are anything like me, you have been blessed with multiple daughters. We have three girls, and we recently had our first baby boy!
While writing this, my heart lies in my first two daughters. Being only twelve months apart, they have no idea what life is like without one another. Having multiple daughters has been one of the best blessings my husband and I could have ever asked for. It is amazing to look back and see how God has paved the way better than we could have imagined. While there are so many gifts of having multiple daughters, this comes with many challenges. These advantages and obstacles change with time, but they are what shape these girls into who they are.
The Gifts
Built-in Best Friends
The bond between two sisters is an amazing thing and is something only they can understand. They were likely raised the same way and share a lot of the same experiences. Plus they’ve lived together! Someone is always there to play, talk, or just be with. Nothing brings a mother more joy than to hear two of her children belly laughing together.
Let’s face it mom’s, we are busy. It can be really nice to have multiples so they can keep each other entertained. When they are tiny tots, teenagers, and even young adults, they have someone to color with, go to the mall with, and to conquer life with.
Sharing Everything
So you’re having a baby girl! And you’re having another! The HAND ME DOWNS are a beautiful thing and our pocketbooks are thankful. Not to mention, the space saved by having them share rooms! We have all three daughters share a room now that baby boy has arrived. Pray for us. 🙂
They also learn how to share with others early in life because it is all they have known. While this is a blessing for parents in many ways, to our daughters it can be a challenge. More on that later.
Confidant
From their early years and into adulthood, it is so important for women to have other women to lean on. Our husbands and boyfriends are wonderful but they can only understand so much.
There are days when I am trying to get through seventeen loads of laundry while one kid is hungry for dinner, another needs help with homework, I haven’t showered in three days, and my husband is working overtime – there is no relief in sight. I am one meltdown away from crying and hiding in a closet to drink a bottle of wine and eat a whole box of girl scout cookies.
THIS is when I call my sister. Just hearing the words “I get it,” and knowing they truly understand what I am going through, can take the weight of the world off my shoulders. Having a person like this for your entire life is one of God’s greatest gifts.
Sisters Help Each Other Stay on Track
We all have wandered from our path at some point in our lives. To be honest, we will likely do it again. We lose our faith in God and we may need a little help getting back on track. We can get lost by material wants, toxic friendships, overbooked schedules, looking for love in the wrong places — the list of distractions goes on and on.
There is no exception for our daughters, they will likely fall away for a period of time if they haven’t already. Girls don’t always listen to their mother’s opinions. In fact, there comes a time when they rarely listen. Our girls think of us as the suckers of all fun and we don’t know what they are really going through… A sister could be closer to the situation and may be able to help differently with better insight and direction. In many cases, the oldest, even if not by much, is still paving the way for the younger.
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
The Challenges
Sharing Everything
While this helps us with costs, our girls can see it as “the worst thing ever.” Sharing clothes, toys, and even friends lead them to think that they have nothing for themselves.
How to deal with it:
Explain to them the graces they will receive by sharing with others. As it says in Hebrews, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.”
While they may not understand at the time, they will eventually really appreciate it when they earn things that are just for themselves.
Fighting
The inevitable! One second, sisters are laughing and having a great time and the next minute… they are cutthroat.
How to deal with it:
The tactics to deal with this vary on their age and personality but here are a few things we can always fall back on.
Help them understand the importance of their relationship: I remember as a kid thinking it was so weird how much time my mom spent chatting with her sisters on the phone on Saturday mornings. We’d drive across state borders to see them so often and I’d think “does Mom have any friends that aren’t family?”
While our girls may not know it when they are young, in many cases (not all, of course) their high school and college friends will likely drift away and family will become their true friends.
While growing up, I eventually learned that my mother had built-in best friends. Having people, like a sister, you enjoy spending time with is such a gift that only some have. Our girls have that gift!
Help them make up by using “The Golden Rule”: Our daughter’s understanding of the importance of their relationship is key, but the fighting is inevitable, so how do we help this? As cheesy as it sounds, The Golden Rule really could settle any quarrel; “Treat others the way you would like to be treated.” Matthew 7:12 puts it plainly:
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
I have noticed that we have more success in our household when we talk to the girls about what Jesus wants more than what we want from them.
Let them figure it out: At times, it is best to let them figure it out on their own. Not only will they learn how to deal with tough situations, but they’ll also learn more about their character and how valuable having a sister is to them.
Times will come when mom’s gotta step in, and there may be a more serious situation at hand. In those cases, Mama, turn to our Lord, for all things can be resolved in Jesus’ name. A mother’s prayer is so powerful.
“Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.”
-Timothy 5:1-2
Comparison
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
–Psalm 139: 13
“My first daughter learned how to read so easily? Why is it so hard for my second?”
“Your sister would never do that. Why are you?”
“Why hasn’t she found a boyfriend yet? Her sister is already married!”
As a mother of multiple daughters, we see clearly that just because they have the same DNA does NOT make them the same. One of the biggest challenges I face is comparing my two oldest daughters because they are so close in age. But WOW, they couldn’t be more different.
My oldest daughter is a hardworking “type A.” She is an easily disciplined, rule follower. My second daughter is a free spirit, marches to the beat to her own drum. We can’t seem to figure out the best form of discipline for our young free-spirit because she wants to do what she wants and we are just cramping her style.
In cases like this, from their eyes, it may appear as if our oldest is our favorite, that she is the one we love more because her behavior isn’t something that needs to be discussed as often. As much as we don’t like to admit it as parents, we usually have one child that is just… easier.
How to deal with it:
One-on-One Time: The power of one-on-one time is SO EASILY forgotten by parents! (Who’s got the time… am I right?) BUT when we do this with each daughter it will remind them that they are so loved! Do something they like to do; play catch, go to a movie, go shopping, go on a walk just to chat.
I can remember a time when mine and my daughters’ connection was rekindled just by sitting on our swing in the backyard chatting about life. There was an extra light about her after that.
Affirmation: In situations where one daughter is easier than the other, we need to affirm time and time again how much we love them for who they are, how their free spirit and individuality are wonderful parts of who our Lord created them to be. While one is sitting quietly reading a book, the other is ripping apart the living room to build the most epic blanket fort ever. While one situation is clearly easier to deal with as a parent, God gave those different attributes for a very specific reason. One reason is likely so their mother learns unconditional love and patience!
Our daughters already compare themselves to their sisters, so the last thing they need is for their parents to do the same. They are hard enough on themselves.
When my girls’ confidence is shaken and they need a reminder of how perfect our Lord made them, I have them recite:
“By the grace of God, I AM WHAT I AM.”
– Corinthians 15:10.
This tends to bring them a sense of peace.
Having multiple daughters has its many struggles, but is something to absolutely cherish.
Mamas, let’s look through the eyes of Jesus when we guide our daughters. Let’s remember that God has made us all unique in His image and that He has made a very specific path for each and every one of us, including our daughters. And guess what… our paths don’t match.
*Lord, as much as we want to control every step our girls take, help us to look at our daughters through your eyes. In the grand scheme of it all, You are in control and All is Well. *
